Tag Archives: struggles

Steps to Take

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Ascension to crest the summit

takes efforts borne not on wings.

Gradual progress is needed

steady plodding steps.

~~~

 Lessons need to be learned

control must be applied.

Discipline and self awareness

are keys to progress.

~~~

With time my goals will be met.

By embracing the challenge

the task will seem less arduous.

~~~

Belief and faith can lighten my burden

but friends and family can only lend a hand.

In the end it is my road alone,

my steps to take.

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I Have Created a Monster

Sometimes she gets me so angry. It hardly seems fair when she knows exactly the right buttons to push. It’s part of the challenge of trying to repair a fractured relationship. A fractured trust. My role is not that of the innocent, I admit this. At times I play into the emotions, and help to create the monster that rears it’s fangs. 

Still I wish that things were different.

Find myself longing for simpler times, when we were on more even footing. When we both had careers, and both brought home the bacon. When she could explain to her friends what I did on a daily basis without having to massage things to make them sound more palatable. When she was proud of me, of our relationship.

These days the turmoil is causing hairline cracks. Emotions bubble up at inopportune moments. What would once go unsaid now gets repeated daily, hourly. Frustrations cause mountains out of molehills. She is quick to anger and I am quick to be defensive. To survive this we will both need to learn how to relate to each other better.

The good news is that there is still love. There is still something worth fighting for. She may run out of patience with me and if she did I could not really blame her. The past few years have been very painful for us both. At times I don’t like the man that I have become but at the same time I have been forced to learn some humbling lessons about life. About what is truly important and what is not.

The hope is that these travails may bear sweet fruit for us eventually if we can wait it out. If only we can find the strength to see our way through these challenges. Life does not owe us anything, but if there is any justice in the universe I will get a chance to see this journey through to it’s conclusion and come to realize the greater purpose for the path that I took.

Like tempered steel, with the right mindset our relationship will emerge stronger. Everything happens for a reason. I refuse to give up my faith in this simple belief. 

 

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Swine Flu

Just a bit ago I was doing what I always do seemingly all day every day, that is checking charts when I noticed that Novavax was up like fucking 25% or 30% from the last time I had seen the chart and that couldn’t have been more than three or four days ago. That always happens with that frigging name, shitty price action for months and then if you stop paying attention for a few days its WHAM! 30% in your face asshole, where were you? Missed the Swine Flu train again?

Anyhow, that reminded me of a story from way back about NVAX when I was still a widdle biddy guppy in the big bad ocean. From before I had even lost anything really and I was just full of piss and vinegar.

So I have no idea how I even found the ticker that day but I think it was on some list of daily % gainers or some such thing on Yahoo Finance. This was back in ’09 around June or July come to think of it so pay attention here because this could be a similar story coming to a theater near you soon. Anyway, Novavax was having one of those weeks at the time just like it is having this week, big moves on volume, acting all frisky and shit like something was up with it and somehow I got involved with a few thousand shares at $3.40. I remember the price well…$3.40 and I chased it, of that I am sure. I even think my cousin who was my stockbroker may have tried to sway me away from the flavor o’ the day pump and dump and he may have warned me against chasing it after such a move.

At the time I wasn’t even trading my own account, my cousin was handling my wife and my retirement savings or what was left of them after I yanked all my money out of Ameriprise Financial at the end of ’08 (yes, of course near the bottom, could it be any other way for me?) after Lehman and TARP and all that good stuff and my Ameriprise broker at the time was trying to tell me that dollar cost averaging was going to make me rich from the sell off. I called bullshit and transferred my accounts to my Financial Adviser cousin post haste. I was not going to let some uncaring, order taking sumbitch squander away the MP family fortune. No fucking way, I would be the master of my destiny, I would show Troy the douche bag broker from Ameriprise that I was smarter than the market. Blood is thicker than water and all that crap, cuz would not steer me wrong.

Little did I know that if I had kept my money with that horrible Americrime with it’s horrible front end loaded crap that woefully underperformed any benchmark you could care to use I would have been 1000% better off four years later. Troy I am so sorry.

Little did I know that I should have fired my cousin soon after this little episode with Novavax commenced, that it should have served as fair warning that no profit was too great to let slip away and no loss that was small would be ever be cut quickly and moved on from. The “drag dead money along for years” precedent was established I believe with this very NVAX campaign. I still have a few corpses lying around to this very day.

So in I was for a few thousand shares at $3.40 and life was full of promise. The next day I woke up to a 12% gap down or some shit cause all I remember was within no more than two trading sessions it went down below $3.00 to like $2.80 or some horror-show. Now, to my credit I was a guppy but I had not developed bad habits yet and I cut half of the position down right around $3.00 on a bounce so now maybe I was in for a thousand shares and had taken a $400 loss. So far things had not gotten too horrible, right?

So now the fun starts. Within a few days NVAX starts going absolutely bat shit crazy to the upside. I mean I think within a week it was trading above $5.00 per share and I was making money. I think it finished the week under $5.00 but at that point I was playing with some house money and my balls started getting lower and that Novavax looked like a winner and I was starting to look smarter by the day and I was already thinking about how I could make a living doing this and fuck working again for the man……

Now keep in mind at this point Novavax was like way in debt, no product approval, no chance in hell of actually getting anything awarded to them any time soon – in fact they are just fucking now in 2013 just starting to look like a decent upside trade but I digress. So NVAX had gone from the $3’s up into the 5’s and now it some rumor pops and this thing goes parabolic with a HUGE gap up on unbelievable volume to over $7.00 a share.  Had I been scaling profits along the way? Did I take this moment to lock in my original investment and let the rest ride? Did I take full profits and buy upside calls to replace my stock and reduce my risk? No, No and No. Did I do anything? No. I was the smartest guy and I knew what I was doing right? I mean didn’t everyone get doubles in a month?

The next day THE gap down happened. At the time I thought the two candles up above separated from the rest of the chart seemed oddly ominous but I could not put my finger on why or be sure that this was not just another of the famous Novavax head fakes that I had gotten very used to. I was no technical analyst at that point and anything as esoteric as an “Island Gap” Japanese candlestick pattern would have escaped me completely.

As it turned out, Novavax has yet to revisit those prices from the day of the island gap over four years later. I believe I sold the last of my shares from the remaining Thousand at a price of $2.00 back in July of ’12 and at the time I remember feeling like I got a great price on my exit since shares had traded as low as $1.10 and I had held out from selling at the lows.

After all, I had learned a thing or two about Novavax and about the markets in the subsequent years of dragging its dead carcass along with me hadn’t I? Yes that is correct, I never sold. Not at six dollars or five dollars or four dollars or even at three dollars when I was back to a loss.

NVAX got back to $3.00 and under within a few months of its climax and I not only did NOT sell with profit I dragged that fucking carcass along for three fucking years before I dumped those last shares and price never got above $3.50 the whole time…that is dead fucking money people.

As it turned out the $2.00 fill I sold out at was near high tick for another few months and I felt pretty good that I had rid myself of the curse but sure enough as these things are wont to do in the markets a few months later after I had sold my final shares the chart started firming up again and now the company is starting to hit milestones and get grants and now the chart shows promise and now I have been stalking it for a legitimate trade again since I always kind of had a warm spot for that old dog. But I ain’t gonna chase it this time. I ain’t gonna chase it.

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Price is Truth

First off I need to get it out there right off the bat.  I am a net loser in the markets. I have already lost so much money that on paper it will take an act of God to ever get on the green side of the ledger. I have blown up several trading accounts and am currently short-stacked.

It is a terrible feeling because just as I have tapped my resources my knowledge and wisdom have grown exponentially.

Why do I even care about the markets at this point?  Really I should hate them – they should revolt me. But they don’t.  Each day is like a new puzzle waiting to be solved. Each day is a day that my thesis du jour gets tested and proved to be right or wrong.

How do I know if I am right or wrong?

Price is Truth

This is a powerful lesson that I had to learn. That I am still learning.

One of many lessons that I have learned in the last four years of my life since I was laid off from a great Advertising sales job in 2009 because of the credit bubble popping. That is the moment that I stumbled upon what I now consider to be my great passion, the financial markets.  If I had known then the road I would take when I started paying attention to the market there is no way I would have gotten involved in this den of vipers but here I am and I cannot shake its gravitational pull.

The market is a harsh teacher and critic and takes no prisoners and does not respond to any one person’s hope or desire.

The market is on her own schedule and rhythm and if you align yourself properly to her energies you can surf the wave with great success and seemingly with little efforts but if you take for granted the sheer power of the forces that you are tapping into you are putting yourself at risk for mortal peril.

The only thing that can be used to judge success is price.

It’s really a simple concept but some people never do ever truly grasp the significance of that concept and forever are in search of the holy grail of investing and the secret to long-term wealth from the markets.

But I am convinced the secret is somewhere in the price action.

Why am I writing this? Well partially I feel the compulsion to write about my experiences to get them on paper so as not to forget the really important lessons.  This is partially a self-journey, a healing process if you will.

Not that I can really ever truly forget what I have done since many of my choices ended up costing me hard earned money and confidence. Costing me trust from my wife that I love and the wife that put her faith in me. Costing me years of time spent on a losing proposition – putting me at great risk of future gainful employment in the middle of arguably the toughest economy since the Great Depression.

In other words I fucked up big time. I gambled and I lost and it hurts like hell.  I have nobody to blame but myself and I take full credit and responsibility for my gains and losses.

That was another lesson I had to learn.

I have seemingly made every possible mistake there is to be made in the markets and I still make them.  But I am in the process of working on my faults one by one. Desperately searching for the discipline to conquer my inner demons.

I have learned incredible things along the way. I feel I have something to offer to those who are looking for a different perspective and a story to tell the world about how the game is played even though I never worked in the Investment industry and don’t have any licenses to offer investment advice and frankly if you came here to get any of that you were always going to go away sorely disappointed and that is fine because that is not what I am doing here.

Do I think I have the skills to pay the bills? Fuck yes, in fact I believe in my skills to the ends of the earth. Why? Because of the sheer amount of time I have put into my craft. I have a passion for it, plus a natural gift for seeing subtle differences that others miss.

But only through actual time spent watching price tick by tick, year by year and observing and understanding all of the interactions do I now feel that I function on an almost unconscious level when I look at a chart.  I am a bit of a charting savant and spend way too much time daily looking at charts. Call me a chart geek and I probably would not argue the point.

That in itself means NOTHING. That in itself is NOT any big fucking deal. There are a ton of great chartists and everyone is looking at the same thing. I am not patting myself on the back here in fact I am saying that it really does not matter except that I want you all to know that you can be really good at one piece of the puzzle but to be successful in life or in the markets the end result is what really matters. Scoreboard bitches!

If only I knew then what I know now – If only…but you cannot roll back the clock and there are no do-overs in the markets or in life. I am short stacked and now I need to play small ball until I can build myself back to where I need to be to fully utilize my talents and hard earned wisdom and that is all on me.

Despite the pain and misery and suffering the markets have bestowed on me I will not quit. I feel in my soul that the tuition paid in my blood will eventually come back to me and that there is a reason for my twisted and wicked path to date. There needed to be the pain first in order to get to the pleasure later when it will really matter.

I invite you to join me on my journey and maybe in the process we can all learn something important about the markets and more importantly about life and about the infinite wisdom of the Universe.

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